It's a long weekend and the sun is brightly shining in winter. This seems to be an opportunity for anyone to go out and climb a mountain or just potter about. It's 3:47 in the afternoon and still in bed. I occasionally get out of it to pee and eat the first thing i see in the fridge. I got things to do in my mind but in my mind tells my flesh to just stay in bed. This is me right now. Feeling cold and lonely. I live in a small town and don't see any point going out because there's nothing much to do, shops are closed and didn't want to spend much anyway as I was trying to save as possible for my next journey which is in Sydney, Australia...and i lost interest in writing this post. How i end this says a lot about my disposition right now.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Monday, May 7, 2012
Healing to Live: It is always hard to begin...
Healing to Live: It is always hard to begin...: Like the process of healing, it is also difficult to start a blog. Sure, it isn't as complicated as publishing an article in print media. H...
It is always hard to begin...
Like the process of healing, it is also difficult to start a blog. Sure, it isn't as complicated as publishing an article in print media. However, a blogger still needs to be motivated enough (and computer-savvy) to make one. I attempted a couple of times to make a blog for my own purpose to be able to express my thoughts but never have I thought that I would make one to reach out to people who may need help in times of loneliness, loss, despair, betrayal, and heartache in the process.
I know that there are far better write-ups out there about these topics. I may not be as articulate as them but nevertheless I still want to do this. I know that it is possible to reach out to millions of people. If it means helping one out of a million, then I am successful.
I want people to know that I made this not to be a know-it-all about emotional battles. I made this because I myself am still in the process of healing which means that I may still be hurting. I was left by the person I loved so much and worst of all, the person I trusted the most. I don't pretend to be strong if I am not. That would just be masking and delaying a long process of grief. I acknowledge that I am weak and that I need help. I realized though, that by sharing my thoughts and my feelings, I might shed light to other people experiencing the same thing.
When I was in the initial stages of the relationship, I did not really make much of an effort to make it work. You see, I just have been into a long grieving process. I was left by another guy who I have been patient for so long. I waited for almost 8 years to get him to truly commit. I know it is easy to say that I should've just left him and find another guy who deserves me but what can I do? I took the risk and patiently waited. Believe me when I say that everyday I prayed for him, cried for him, and hoped for him. I waited because I was told that God said, "Ask and you shall receive." Well, I did not. In the end, when I finally mustered to confront him, I just received a text saying, "Sorry. I am not the man you wanted me to be." I fell flat on my face and ashamed. Ashamed because for years, I have been saying to myself that this was the man I wanted to be with in my lifetime and I always knew that I wanted him. Friends both old and new were telling me to just "let go" and "move on" way before he gave his final words of rejection. In my consciousness, I knew what they were saying. I thought faith would let me win with this battle but apparently, I lost in the end. In retrospect, I could've said that I regret loving him that much and that I could have been married years ago with either of the guys that were courting me back then...back when I was younger. A year after, I received a text message from him which seemed to me like a sorry note but actually something more arrogant like, "I'm sorry that you did not get what you wanted." Well, to some, this may just be being straight-up. However, to the person receiving this, a message being given in this context is simply without respect. I felt so devalued considering the years of friendship, the least.
Three months after, he got married. I was forced to move on. It was a different kind of pain knowing the permanence of the situation. On the other hand, I also felt some sense of relief. I was relieved because I didn't need to go on thinking if he was for me or not. It might have been the hard, excruciating way but I got a clear-cut answer. I could now stop ruminating. It was like someone being finally taken out of life support and ceasing in peace. No more false hope, no more denial. This was it.
Months after I slowly felt sa tinge of freedom. I was not ecstatic but at least I was not burdened. I was quite happy with my routine of going to work, coming home, preparing a scrumptious meal, and watching my favorite TV series. Sometimes the memory of my past would still hit me and wonder why things did not go out as I thought it would be. I had loved him like a child. I had faith like I was blind. I was waiting for answers. I was waiting for my silent God to speak. This was probably my form of post-traumatic disorder.
A year had passed and I felt like I perfected the art of being alone. Still, I was not truly happy but was thankful that somehow, I was comfortable just being stress-free from the pain. Little did I know that another cyclone would disturb this peace that I have delicately built.
I met this guy at the office. At first, I was not really interested in him. Usually, I would immediately know if a person is my type. He was almost the anti-thesis of my type. The circumstances as to how we met and became close was almost a cliche. Met at the office, met up during breaks, exchanged numbers, went out for a couple of dates, and coupledom here we come. As I said earlier, I did not make much of an effort to make it work. I did not exactly know why. Was it because he was not my type or was it because I was too scared to go through turbulence again? I would like to believe it was more of the latter. Later on, my feelings grew. From the chopped tree that I was, I began growing a trunk, branches, until I finally had some flowers again. Never had I felt this feeling before. I was both in love and secured. He showed me kindness, sincerity, and dedication that I never felt from my previous experiences. I finally felt was it was like to be in a fully functional relationship. Independent that I was, I did not mind being a little bit domesticated by cooking for him, preparing stuff for him, and being concerned over his health. Unfortunately, these manifestations of a relationship was abrupted by my decision to go home to my hometown to pursue my career in another field. I knew it was hard for him. One time I was asleep, I woke up and saw a tear in his eye that he quickly wiped away. That was the last day that we would be together in the same place. I was probably oblivious about the impact it would do to our relationship that time. I thought, my gosh, my town is just four hours away by land. How could it be difficult? Plus I thought that the set-up of being separated would only be temporary. I was the strong one at that time. Time passed and I felt the toll of being alone. I guess I really was not handling things well. I was not the empowered woman that I thought I would be.
Fast forward to the relationship, we were approaching our 2nd year. I received news from a former officemate that my boyfriend was "hanging out" with a new girl from the office. I just said, "Rrreally???" like a composed englishman and pretended to brush it off. Deep inside, my chest was like a chandelier smashed to the floor. If you have been watching Adam Sandler movies wherein he tries his best to contain his anger and suddenly rages out once he's alone, then you know what I wanted to do that time. I then confronted him. Like most men would do, he denied. Denied, displaced, and projected his anger to the people at his office saying that I shouldn't listen to gossip. I believed him of course.
A lot of things happened along the way that led to the demise of our relationship. Although we still tried to work things out, I was never at peace with the news. He used to always leave his cellphone at his bedside. Lately, he was always bringing it even if he was only going to take a shower. He used the "emergency" card by saying that a neighbor of his was 9 months pregnant and would need to have his car moved any time which was blocking his neighbor's. Wow! What a story. The signs were there. The cellphone paranoia, the constant whispers from the office to my ears, his nonchalance whenever we would meet up, etc. It was a textbook situation. I finally confirmed that he was indeed going out with someone else later on from a very reliable source.
All the excuses and rationales in the world could not compare to the feelings that I felt. I heard it all. From "We were always fighting anyway.", "It just happened. I had no intentions." to "God has a plan.", everything was simply a cliche aka B.S. The worst part was the thought of going through the same situation again. "Not again!", was the constant thing in my mind. I thought I was over this. I thought this was supposed to be my good karma. I don't get why I am being punished for loving so much. I thought God was mean, that he was getting a kick out of this. I felt like I was his favorite toy like a fish falling for a bait twice. I sometimes imagine that I am constantly getting beaten that my cry for it to stop is being heard by no one.
Nevertheless, this has not stopped me from praying instead of cursing. "Ask and you shall receive" (Matt 21:22). Maybe I didn't fully understand the conditions of this statement. Perhaps I was not faithful enough. Was I asking what I did not deserve? How would I know then what I deserve if this is the case?
Sometimes I would think that these challenges keep me closer to God. I sometimes find myself being lukewarm whenever I am comfortable. Sometimes I think of the story of Job and Jesus. They did not really get what they wanted in life and even suffered to the point of death but lived the life that they were supposed to fulfill and are now exalted.
If you are reading this I would say you still have the money to eat, sleep, and go online. This is not to say though that I am belittling anyone's feelings. Believe me, that's the least that I would want to do. I myself get annoyed if i'm being told to "move on" or being given a quick advice like, "there are still lots of fish in the sea" without acknowledging the grief and pain especially if an unfortunate event just happened.
As of this point, I am still healing and my process takes time. Sometimes I still would doubt myself if I am deserving of long lasting love. I still cry everyday. I also have this fear that if ever get into a relationship again, I would be holding back for self-preservation purposes. I feel that I am old. Forms of insecurities constantly come into my mind. But then, there's nothing left to do but to live one day at a time.
I know that there are far better write-ups out there about these topics. I may not be as articulate as them but nevertheless I still want to do this. I know that it is possible to reach out to millions of people. If it means helping one out of a million, then I am successful.
I want people to know that I made this not to be a know-it-all about emotional battles. I made this because I myself am still in the process of healing which means that I may still be hurting. I was left by the person I loved so much and worst of all, the person I trusted the most. I don't pretend to be strong if I am not. That would just be masking and delaying a long process of grief. I acknowledge that I am weak and that I need help. I realized though, that by sharing my thoughts and my feelings, I might shed light to other people experiencing the same thing.
When I was in the initial stages of the relationship, I did not really make much of an effort to make it work. You see, I just have been into a long grieving process. I was left by another guy who I have been patient for so long. I waited for almost 8 years to get him to truly commit. I know it is easy to say that I should've just left him and find another guy who deserves me but what can I do? I took the risk and patiently waited. Believe me when I say that everyday I prayed for him, cried for him, and hoped for him. I waited because I was told that God said, "Ask and you shall receive." Well, I did not. In the end, when I finally mustered to confront him, I just received a text saying, "Sorry. I am not the man you wanted me to be." I fell flat on my face and ashamed. Ashamed because for years, I have been saying to myself that this was the man I wanted to be with in my lifetime and I always knew that I wanted him. Friends both old and new were telling me to just "let go" and "move on" way before he gave his final words of rejection. In my consciousness, I knew what they were saying. I thought faith would let me win with this battle but apparently, I lost in the end. In retrospect, I could've said that I regret loving him that much and that I could have been married years ago with either of the guys that were courting me back then...back when I was younger. A year after, I received a text message from him which seemed to me like a sorry note but actually something more arrogant like, "I'm sorry that you did not get what you wanted." Well, to some, this may just be being straight-up. However, to the person receiving this, a message being given in this context is simply without respect. I felt so devalued considering the years of friendship, the least.
Three months after, he got married. I was forced to move on. It was a different kind of pain knowing the permanence of the situation. On the other hand, I also felt some sense of relief. I was relieved because I didn't need to go on thinking if he was for me or not. It might have been the hard, excruciating way but I got a clear-cut answer. I could now stop ruminating. It was like someone being finally taken out of life support and ceasing in peace. No more false hope, no more denial. This was it.
Months after I slowly felt sa tinge of freedom. I was not ecstatic but at least I was not burdened. I was quite happy with my routine of going to work, coming home, preparing a scrumptious meal, and watching my favorite TV series. Sometimes the memory of my past would still hit me and wonder why things did not go out as I thought it would be. I had loved him like a child. I had faith like I was blind. I was waiting for answers. I was waiting for my silent God to speak. This was probably my form of post-traumatic disorder.
A year had passed and I felt like I perfected the art of being alone. Still, I was not truly happy but was thankful that somehow, I was comfortable just being stress-free from the pain. Little did I know that another cyclone would disturb this peace that I have delicately built.
I met this guy at the office. At first, I was not really interested in him. Usually, I would immediately know if a person is my type. He was almost the anti-thesis of my type. The circumstances as to how we met and became close was almost a cliche. Met at the office, met up during breaks, exchanged numbers, went out for a couple of dates, and coupledom here we come. As I said earlier, I did not make much of an effort to make it work. I did not exactly know why. Was it because he was not my type or was it because I was too scared to go through turbulence again? I would like to believe it was more of the latter. Later on, my feelings grew. From the chopped tree that I was, I began growing a trunk, branches, until I finally had some flowers again. Never had I felt this feeling before. I was both in love and secured. He showed me kindness, sincerity, and dedication that I never felt from my previous experiences. I finally felt was it was like to be in a fully functional relationship. Independent that I was, I did not mind being a little bit domesticated by cooking for him, preparing stuff for him, and being concerned over his health. Unfortunately, these manifestations of a relationship was abrupted by my decision to go home to my hometown to pursue my career in another field. I knew it was hard for him. One time I was asleep, I woke up and saw a tear in his eye that he quickly wiped away. That was the last day that we would be together in the same place. I was probably oblivious about the impact it would do to our relationship that time. I thought, my gosh, my town is just four hours away by land. How could it be difficult? Plus I thought that the set-up of being separated would only be temporary. I was the strong one at that time. Time passed and I felt the toll of being alone. I guess I really was not handling things well. I was not the empowered woman that I thought I would be.
Fast forward to the relationship, we were approaching our 2nd year. I received news from a former officemate that my boyfriend was "hanging out" with a new girl from the office. I just said, "Rrreally???" like a composed englishman and pretended to brush it off. Deep inside, my chest was like a chandelier smashed to the floor. If you have been watching Adam Sandler movies wherein he tries his best to contain his anger and suddenly rages out once he's alone, then you know what I wanted to do that time. I then confronted him. Like most men would do, he denied. Denied, displaced, and projected his anger to the people at his office saying that I shouldn't listen to gossip. I believed him of course.
A lot of things happened along the way that led to the demise of our relationship. Although we still tried to work things out, I was never at peace with the news. He used to always leave his cellphone at his bedside. Lately, he was always bringing it even if he was only going to take a shower. He used the "emergency" card by saying that a neighbor of his was 9 months pregnant and would need to have his car moved any time which was blocking his neighbor's. Wow! What a story. The signs were there. The cellphone paranoia, the constant whispers from the office to my ears, his nonchalance whenever we would meet up, etc. It was a textbook situation. I finally confirmed that he was indeed going out with someone else later on from a very reliable source.
All the excuses and rationales in the world could not compare to the feelings that I felt. I heard it all. From "We were always fighting anyway.", "It just happened. I had no intentions." to "God has a plan.", everything was simply a cliche aka B.S. The worst part was the thought of going through the same situation again. "Not again!", was the constant thing in my mind. I thought I was over this. I thought this was supposed to be my good karma. I don't get why I am being punished for loving so much. I thought God was mean, that he was getting a kick out of this. I felt like I was his favorite toy like a fish falling for a bait twice. I sometimes imagine that I am constantly getting beaten that my cry for it to stop is being heard by no one.
Nevertheless, this has not stopped me from praying instead of cursing. "Ask and you shall receive" (Matt 21:22). Maybe I didn't fully understand the conditions of this statement. Perhaps I was not faithful enough. Was I asking what I did not deserve? How would I know then what I deserve if this is the case?
Sometimes I would think that these challenges keep me closer to God. I sometimes find myself being lukewarm whenever I am comfortable. Sometimes I think of the story of Job and Jesus. They did not really get what they wanted in life and even suffered to the point of death but lived the life that they were supposed to fulfill and are now exalted.
If you are reading this I would say you still have the money to eat, sleep, and go online. This is not to say though that I am belittling anyone's feelings. Believe me, that's the least that I would want to do. I myself get annoyed if i'm being told to "move on" or being given a quick advice like, "there are still lots of fish in the sea" without acknowledging the grief and pain especially if an unfortunate event just happened.
As of this point, I am still healing and my process takes time. Sometimes I still would doubt myself if I am deserving of long lasting love. I still cry everyday. I also have this fear that if ever get into a relationship again, I would be holding back for self-preservation purposes. I feel that I am old. Forms of insecurities constantly come into my mind. But then, there's nothing left to do but to live one day at a time.
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